DCW Project Two

Marching to a future loosely lead by the hand and the [[mind.|1]]

[[Simplicity|a]] is at the surface, underneath is a [[kaleidoscope.|b]]

I find a world worth exploring. The hope, joy and love all rush from me like a [[waterfall.|A]] Tumbling to the Earth, everything hidden in the great trembling [[roar.|sensory overload]]

Overwhelmed by all the colors, flashes of what could be a life appear. Images (text-style: "emboss")[blend] and a dream-like state fills my inner atmosphere. [[Brighter|ii]] shades twist into [[darker|i]] ones and back again.

Everything that gets broken only leads to better things. You may fall to the Earth but in you are [[wings|e]].

Still I scrap along, searching for the [[notch|picture perfect]] in the wall that clues in an escape. Some door that leads somewhere worth living, somewhere [[worth|life worth living]] the wait.

There’re pieces of me left in my wake. Shards of the person I once was lay shattered. Some of them cut out like a [[diamond|A]], beautiful and worthy of admiration. Other cut out like [[glass|B]], sharp and lacking anything worth the [[dedication|C]].

They were [[invisible|ii]] until they crumbled. Left on the floor; a building fire and everything was the stoke. A [[painful|iii]] mess, powerfully ready to engulf.

I’ve tried to carry all my pieces, pretending to not [[drown|all that color]] in all my past. I still find worth in all the [[monikers|iii]]. Once they all fall away, the only thing I have is who I am.

Marching to a future loosely lead the hand and the mind. I’ll phase in and out of who I want to be and the person I am. [[Begin Again|start]]

Torn apart by the [[ideals|feels like ice]] of people without faces, there’s a chance I might be at war within. There is a fallen feeling in here, I feel left in some [[unsolvable]] situation.

I’m stuck in a phase in life that is full of beauty in its experiences, but all that color bleeds me dry. The thing I think about the most is how far I am to make it in life. At times I can't see myself in the future. I'm like a character that ends and [[starts over again.|start]]

There might never be a time where everything is perfect, but it might come close to picturesque. A slight change in attitude that made everything seem like you have a life you always [[wanted.|e]]

It takes time to feel the door open. Unsure if you opened it or if someone else's hand guided you. That’s all in the nuances though, [[change|started this path]] has happened and the bell is rung. [[Memory]] is unimportant now.

I’ve started down this path and it seems now I will have to finish it. I’m [[unsure|revelation]] if I’m even going the right way. The fear of [[wasted time|biggest fear]] haunts me in everything.

I want some revelation to be made; even if believing that the [[world will be fixed|pressure]] because I decided to take a guess at what the universe is telling me is nothing but fiction, it’s something to [[hold|holding on]] on to.

If I had to choose a paralzing fear it’d be choosing a purpose on accident.(click-replace:"purpose on accident")[purpose on accident. Some culmination of life choices that led me to a living death.] I can't imagine this life. I've built myself up as someone who will do [[great things|spite]], defy whatever expectations lie before me. The [[disappointment|god]] of failing myself would be worse than anything to come.

More than anything it feels like ice. Loneliness leaves the heart hard. Happiness is only a [[memory|anything worth having]] my heart so desperately clings to. Spring comes in [[golden shades|e]], I need that now.

Sometimes I [[worry|worry too much]] that all the things that are worth having live behind me. All that was good and made the future somewhere I wanted to live in are trapped in a [[past reality.|predict]]

But then again, I [[worry|apathy]] too much. I need to [[stop.|ii]]

I sink back into what I knew because I fell in love with the predictability of it. But there’s no place in my [[past|growing on]] where the [[me of today |linger]] belongs.

Lingering only has so much attractiveness, eventually the familiar becomes boring and the door I opened is now closed, [[forevermore.|e]]

I've been holding on to a lot recently. Photos (click-replace:"Photos")[(text-style:"strike")[Photos]], songs(click-replace:"songs")[(text-style:"strike")[songs]], movie ticket stubs(click-replace:"movie ticket stubs")[(text-style:"strike")[movie ticket stubs]], voice mails(click-replace:"voice mails")[(text-style:"strike")[voice mails]]. Anything to connect myself to a time I [[understood.|predict]]

A vision in my own mind, built up on some golden stage. Put the pressure on myself like I'm this god who [[couldn't fix the world I created|.]]

https://twinery.org/wiki/harlowe:text-style

And what a great roar it was; overpowering anything that dared to [[defy|rebel]] it. The [[good outweighed the bad|A]] and then the [[bad outweighed the good|B]], over and over, the cycle swirled and swirled.

I have always been drawn towards rebellion. [[Spite|spite]] runs my agenda more than I would care to admit. I have this constant need to prove others wrong, to take whatever expectations and [[challenge them|spite]], by whatever means neccessary.

I do it to spite my own doubts. To spite a world where [[apathy]] seems to prevail. If am to be proud of the life I live, then I must put forth something [[good into it.|biggest fear]]

I also fret about become too apathetic. Letting everything dark in the world stiffle the light I try so hard to protect. I find little sparks of faith at certain moments, a flutter with [[happiness|picture perfect]], however fleeting it may be at times. I need that past joy to carry me somewhere [[better.|e]]

I've got holes in my head. (text-style:"strike")[[[Patched over.|patched over]]] (text-style:"fade-in-out")[[[Blacked out.|blacked out]]] (text-style:"expand")[[[Forcibly forgiven.|forcibly forgiven]]] A mixture of holding on and trying to let go.

Carvern doesn't quite describe what is feels like, but it's close. Maybe labyrinth is a better analogy. (click-replace:"labyrinth")[[[pit|pit]]] I'm [[scraping|ii]] along again.

Everyday I get closer to the fact that I can no longer be who I once was. There is a challenge in leaving skeletons in the closet alone, but I must keep growing up and [[moving on.|e]]

I sometimes forget that what I do doesn't effect the whole world. For right now, all I have to worry about is myself. I just need to reach a place of [[happiness|picture perfect]] in this world. Living for what I want to do is a reality I often forget is [[before me.|e]]

But I did not create this world. (click-replace:"But I did not create this world.")[I am not in control.(click-replace:"I am not in control.")[I cannot fix everything I see.(click-replace:"I cannot fix everything I see.") [[[Believing otherwise is visionary decontruction.|pressure]]]]]

It's a sufficating pit. Constricting in my head. I [[worry|worry too much]] about the places my mind will go. While I'm winding through, I ask myself where I am [[going.|feels like ice]]

It is easier to tell myself what I want to remember. Belief is a powerful thing. I believe I was [[happy.|beautiful past]] I believe I can be [[happy.|picture perfect]] I believe I am [[happy.|e]]

I cannot hold on to [[everything.|anything worth having]] Some of those things are better let go. (text-style: "emboss")[Blurry] faces in my mind's photo album. [[Maybe it's for the best.|growing on]]

Loneliness is the ghost that dances over my mind. The [[caution]] that drives most of my actions. I'll forgive anyone if it means keeping a friend. Luck has been on my side with the people in my life, but [[feelings|paraniod]] haven't had the same fate.

I overthink every thing life has put in front of me. Paranoid of being so many things. (click-replace:"things.")[things. Burdening.](click-replace:"Burdening.")[Annoying.](click-replace:"Annoying.")[Unwanted.](click-replace:"Unwanted.")[[[Worry is second nature.|worry too much]]]

[[Romanticizing a past that never really was.|growing on]] All those hardships seem easier when I know I [[solved them.|predict]]

I balance a life where I am verision of myself. Take out one trait and replace it with another. I don't think I know who I really am. What I am running from? (click-replace:"What")[Who] [[Loneliness|feels like ice]] is the knock on the door I ignore.

Welcome to (text-style: "italic")[Journey Into Self], and interactive Twine story. Everything you read here has been taken from entries in my personal journals, and reflects the weaving of happiness, doubt, worries, and challenges throughout life. As you read, choose the paths you want to take until you get to the end. If you wish, once you reach the end there will be a link to restart the story. [[Enjoy|start]] -Randi Ruppert